On needing a hobby

I think what it comes down to is I need a hobby. How do people find shit that interests them? Even in school when you take that test to find out what you're supposed to be good at, my results were inconclusive. I hear other people talk about the things they do or are into and it just sounds exhausting. "I ride my bike 15 miles every morning before work." What? First of all I'm not getting on a bike again for the rest of my life. Certainly not to do 15 miles before work. "I can play like twenty instruments, but I bartend." OK screw you, really. If I could play the spoons I would have at least five albums out already. The only time I'd be in a bar is when I was performing. "I'm into video games." So am I, that's not a hobby. That's away to kill time in between getting yelled at by your wife/girlfriend or keeping your child from exploding something. Which I admit is fun the first four times, but you can't encourage that behavior. Or else as an adult you have to go to the principal. And that's no fun. Because I wouldn't be able to stop laughing, Ava wouldn't either. We'd both get in school suspension. What I'm trying to say is Motivated people annoy me.

I even envy alcoholics, at least they have plan for the day. I couldn't put forth that much effort into getting drunk all day though. Geez. I get up in the morning and I have to ask Ava what we should do because I have no clue. Are we playing Barbies or slaying dragons. I'm good either way, just let me know so I can get the pop tarts started. Oh, we're just going to sit here and stare at the wall. OK, you know this is how I got through high school right?

A man ran 99 miles home after a marathon. How do you even get into that? "Hey bob, I think I'm going to start running." If Bob was a good friend he'd say something like "What are you retarded like Forest Gump, or something?" "No, no I was just at the Footlocker to get some new sneakers, and the 15 year old kid there convinced me to buy these Nike's. He said you could run a marathon in them and not feel it, they are that comfortable." So I thought, that's it! That is what has been missing in my life. Running for no apparent reason. So I'm joining the Boston Marathon tomorrow. Will you pick me up afterwards." And since clearly Bob isn't a good friend he didn't pick him up, and the guy had to run home. Because you can't keep a wallet in those running shorts. You know how in the VH1 Behind the music, or in interviews with stars like John Lennon; they always say if it wasn't for Rock n Roll I don't know where I would have ended up. Well this is where they would have ended up, bitching on Facebook about being bored to virtual friends. Meanwhile 1/6 of the world is starving. Lybia is in shambles, Japan is gone. So I'm pissed because I may not be able to get the iPhone 5 til September! Which is BS, because then I have to start saving up for Christmas presents for people who don't even get my jokes but still laugh because they are only two. Hey dad did you fall down the stairs again? Yes honey. Was it because of your socks or the booze. No, don't worry baby I'm fine go ahead and continue watching your iPod. I slipped because of the socks, it's not proper Scotch hour til five. We still have an hour of sober daddy.

In regards to blowjobs

Why do most girls stop at the tip? There's still at least two more inches there.

On reading an article on breastfeeding while using the bathroom.

I was ah, using the toilet one day. It was after my wife had given birth, but there were still pieces of literature from when she was pregnant in the bathroom. I guess it took longer for her then, I don't remember. But there was a Parenting or Parents magazine in there, so thinking I should read up a bit, I started reading. I came to an article on breastfeeding, and Ava was no longer at that stage, but it made me sad. Not because she was getting bigger, but I realized that that was going to be the last time I got to see some girl on girl action in my own house.

Old joke from single days

It's not that I have commitment issues. I don't. I just can't jerk off to the same video more than once. And really that's on a slow day a 15 minute relationship.

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The post from Facebook that forced my mom to ban me to a blog.

I hate that just because I comment or hit like on somebodies post, Facebook has to inform me about every other loser on Facebook that had to post as well. Can't I just be content in my isolated comment. Oh, I know it's a social network.Really, is it? I haven't seen 125 of my 159 friends in at least 15 years. Some of them I don't even remember actually knowing. By the way I didn't really do the math there it's probably more like 145. But back to my point, can't I just make a hit and run snarky remark? Do I have to read about everyone else that actually gives a hoot about the contents of the post? No because then you're just a cowardly troll. No, it's because I have at least 18 hours a day to make comebacks at you that have no real bearing on either of our existences. Well it's an important matter to me. I strongly believe in somebodies right to do whatever it is that people give a shit about. Well that's great. I believe strongly in making fun of other peoples beliefs. I think that's largely what our racists founding fathers had in mind when they formed this elite based society.And I'm sorry, I just looked. I have 160 friends. I know for a fact I have never met at least one. But she's a friend of a friend who takes off her clothes to music. Don't judge her, she has Tourettes.

 This was the joke I posted that my mom said she like, which I also wrote. A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he wants to drink. Right before the duck can answer the cook cuts off his head. The bartender says I guess we know what tonight's special is.

There are few things in the world better than a fine scotch. But Ava is one of them.

Rural East Coast

While driving through old towns on the east coast, I like to imagine all of the dead soldiers that fought in the American Revolution, and the Civil War. It helps pass the time quicker.

This is a blog

I am writing this here because my mom does not think I'm funny. That's encouragement for you. :)