Back Home, or how Jake and I dared our way through Arkansas

Well, here we are. Back at the homestead after a 22 day excursion that included Denver, San Diego, and Houston. The trip started out well in Denver. Shared drinks with a few friends. Did some decent work, and overall had a good time. Then I returned to St. Louis to pick up Jake. This could mean one of two things either we have a seriously good time causing chaos, or things will take a turn for the absurd. In which case a terrible case of madness the likes of which can not be expressed in the simple blog will take over. The latter happened on this trip. Houston swallowed us up and used us like a cheap can of Nat Light. We were savaged mercilessly on every move we made to do our job. And then on top of our boss decided to threaten firings all around. Well it would appear the cock has crowed on this career. I will ride the ride to the end, but things will get dirty. And very, very exciting. This I can assure you.
Eric

If I were a stand up comic.

I'm quitting my job and doing stand up. Not really. My wife says we have to have an income. And NOBODY LAUGHS AT MY JOKES! NOBODY! IT'S CALLED SARCASM! I'm not topical, I'm not observational, I just make fun of stuff, hatefully. She tells me she's the funny one in the family. Is anyone even out there? Shit, it's like listening to the voice inside my head in print. I don't even want to be a good comic I just want to go on stage and make fun of the audience. No written jokes, just find the guy in the audience with the visor and go to town. "Hey visor guy, nice flip flops. Is that you're frat brother or you're date?" then later when I'm getting my ass kicked we can share a chuckle. Because seriously gay guys are buff. And let's be honest I don't work out.
I tried sexting with my wife. I heard an 18 year old talking about, while I eaves dropped, so I thought this is what the cool kids are doing. So I tried it, forgetting we had blocked her phone from receiving texts. So really it was no different than being home. You get what I'm driving at here? I don't understand the stereotype of black people and watermelons. Never in my life have I seen a black person eat a watermelon. A cantaloupe, celery, an apple, the first born boy from a voodoo offering. But never a watermelon.
I think we should spay and neuter the homeless. I've seen five stray animals in my lifetime, and never once have they bothered me. But the homeless are everywhere, and they breed. I saw a homeless family. A dad a mom and a baby. And felt bad so I was going to give them money, but then I thought no. They're just going to spend it on formula, or a teething ring. Homeless babies need to be weened from they're addictions too. Do you ever wake up & check your email. Then read Facebook responses out of context and out of order. It's jarring, especially with some of the friends I have. Like shit, how much Wild Turkey did I drink last night. None of this makes sense. Whose afraid of fire? Why would that be brought up? Baboons? We can't start a Baboon Cage Fighting League. (Trust me I've looked into it.) all of the sudden at eight am while the coffee percolates I have to become a detective and figure out what the fuck I have told people. Honestly I need a breathalyzer on my laptop. Because I will do a drive by comment at two in the morning and wake up to a bunch of angry people. I'm sorry your husband is in the army and I said I was against the troops. I meant all of them. Al Quieda too, not just the American's. I could go on, and later I will.

The death of the American Dream

I think the American Dream had It's last heartbeat sometime in the mid 70's. No one was able to notice because of all the turmoil after the assassinations of JFK, RFK, and Dr. King. Followed by Nixon and the terrorist acts in the following decade. I have travelled from city to city now for six years. Each city has that same washed out faded appearance on the face of every local. Sure at night if there is some fancy shindig to go to is occurring smiles are painted on the women. The men have drank a few pints of whiskey or some watered down beer product to prepare themselves for the facade of happiness. This has nothing to do with Bin Laden, or that dim witted weasel W. either. I can tell that America has been sucked dry of meaning long before that. But by what? And why? Is there any hope for the next few generations to right this ship? Not in my lifetime. There are no leaders, no men of honor, and for that matter no damsels in distress with any honor worth defending. We are doomed, but how did it come to this? Did we ever really have any great promise as a country. Or was it just an experiment that went on too long? Awful thoughts to have while riding at 80mph in a 14' box truck in the middle of the desert.

I hope a good war breaks out between England and another country. One that's bad enough that all the aging queens that they have Knighted get called into duty. "I thought it was just a title." "Nope, here's your armor and a horse. Get to fighting." Just picture it, Mick Jagger, Elton John, Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellan. All off to fight in the honor of the Queen, or King. It's morbid I know, but really it would be awesome. "It's like Macbeth, get out there."

Autistic Sunchild explains life in the midst of Scientific Studies

After sitting in meetings on Autism Research for three years in a row, I have come to the conclusion that we are the flawed ones. They've evolved, left behind our weaker minds. Just like people with ADD or ADHD. They've learned how to filter away all the BS. The doctors and scientists all approach them like they would an alien. Unaware that maybe, just maybe they are the lesser being in the room. In the meantime the subjects are increasingly frustrated by the idiots that have subjugated them to testing, because the scientists can't communicate with them.I can't wait for the moment when an autistic child turns into a burst of light in front of a scientists eyes. And for a brief moment that child will birth all of the information that makes up the universe into the scientists brain. Then because the scientist can't grasp the simplicity of creation, he or she will melt like when the Ark was opened in the first Indiana Jones movie. This will happen one day, and only the people in the room that wont be effected are those with ADD/ADHD. Because they already know, and have moved on to other topics.

That should have said Joe.

How does have a girlfriend? Who is from what I can tell adorable. I am worries about the outcome.

I think the author of If You Give a Pig a Pancake, also wrote If You Give a Guy a Blowjob. I think it's an underground book though.

When the world is falling to shit it is not good to be out of your anti-anxiety drugs.