Stranded down on Highway 61!

We are taking are exploits north. The Mad Russian and I have decided the only way to do anything in this hellashist town is being knee deep in inebriation and denial. Which will only work for so long before the body gives out. No such luck in relying on spirit either . As that has to be squashed, just to thunder your way through the inbred language that the Creoles, & other Louisiana's have created. New Orleans is the right place for the right person. That however is not me. Or this Madman  I am traveling with. So on to the next assignment. After a brief stay at the sanctuary of home. 

Exiled in Orlando

While serving out my exile in Orlando. I decided why not do it in a shitty $40 a night motel while cranking the AC, and imbibing heavy volumes of chilled Wild Turkey. Sure others may go venture off to find a cartoon mouse. But I've been there, and I fear this time no Cheshire Cat will lead me back to safety. After leaving the sanctuary of The Peabody Hotel the next two days shall be a challenge of mind over matter. So courage people courage.

Things out of reach. We place them there for good reason.

Do we only long for what we can not have because it's safe? It's unattainable so no harm can come from wanting it. What happens though when you actually are presented with the unattainable? Smart thing is to turn away and run. There are only two of three people I really wish I could get in touch with again. But at this point it would be like meeting a celebrity. What do you say? And what happens when they don't feel the same way? I have few regrets in my life. Each scar was well earned. My family is a gift from the great magnet in the sky. But yet I wonder...

On a warm summer evening on a bed bound for nowhere.

It was an awkward moment when I awoke this evening at 7:39 p.m. My head was where my feet normally are, and I realized I was still dreaming. There is not a lot to do on a Sunday night in D.C., unless of course you are a criminal. Political or otherwise. Most of the historical places shut down early. So the employees can have some semblance of a weekend, before the mad rush of Monday. When millions of people will be rushing in to see what democracy looks like on paper, and blood splattered balconies of dimunte theaters of days long past. There is a certain heartbeat that this city maintains. Odd rhythms, syncopated by the mad dash of tourists, cab drivers, politicians, the homeless,military personal. The F.B.I. Have their own police force here. It's a beautiful place. Especially at night. Still filled with so much hope and promise, yet untapped. It's encouraging to see the building blocks of this country, but deeply alarming when you see them barricaded by three foot thick cement roadblocks, and armed soldiers at the ready to shoot any shmuck who happens to wobble too close to history. People claim there is a lot going wrong in the world and this country in particular. And to a certain degree they are right. But when you wipe away the bullshit smeared on the lens, the potential to correct these problems is so vastly available, and waiting for the chance to be used correctly. Tomorrow I'm sure I will jump back into my haze of anger and sarcasm. But tonight I think I will let hope carry me off to sleep.

Listen children and you shall here the basterdized version of Paul Revere.

So here we are on the eve of nothing. Filled with a fifth of Jack Daniels because the local store had no Wild Turkey. I’m sitting here watching The Godfather Part 1. The last week has filled us with all sorts of lunacy. From both parties. But let us not gloss over the most entertaining of all happenings from a possible 2012 Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin. A wonderful idiot that one could have only dreamed of to replace George W. Bush. Where he had some tenacity and balls, to match his dimwitted cowboy dreams. Mrs. Palin is just a dumb fucking moron. This was proved once again in her recent trip to Boston. When a local news reporter asked her what she was most going to take away from her visit to Boston, she blundered the history of Paul Revere. When it was pointed out to her the obvious mistake she made, not only did she refuse to acknowledge that she was wrong she accused the media of yet another “Gotcha” moment. What she doesn’t understand is no one needs to lay down landmines for her to step onto. She will find her own to detonate. My dreams are that the Republican’s throw in the towel on the 2012 race like they did on the 2008 race and let her run against Obabma. There aren’t enough drugs in the world to prepare you for the type of silliness that this dimwitted bitch will bring forth. Especially if god forbid she win. Then every comedian in the world will commit suicide because the jokes will be too easy, and the end of the world will have spewed forth. So to paraphrase the perhaps great Paul Revere the Palin’s are coming, the Palin’s are coming. With all retarded children in tow.

Back Home, or how Jake and I dared our way through Arkansas

Well, here we are. Back at the homestead after a 22 day excursion that included Denver, San Diego, and Houston. The trip started out well in Denver. Shared drinks with a few friends. Did some decent work, and overall had a good time. Then I returned to St. Louis to pick up Jake. This could mean one of two things either we have a seriously good time causing chaos, or things will take a turn for the absurd. In which case a terrible case of madness the likes of which can not be expressed in the simple blog will take over. The latter happened on this trip. Houston swallowed us up and used us like a cheap can of Nat Light. We were savaged mercilessly on every move we made to do our job. And then on top of our boss decided to threaten firings all around. Well it would appear the cock has crowed on this career. I will ride the ride to the end, but things will get dirty. And very, very exciting. This I can assure you.
Eric

If I were a stand up comic.

I'm quitting my job and doing stand up. Not really. My wife says we have to have an income. And NOBODY LAUGHS AT MY JOKES! NOBODY! IT'S CALLED SARCASM! I'm not topical, I'm not observational, I just make fun of stuff, hatefully. She tells me she's the funny one in the family. Is anyone even out there? Shit, it's like listening to the voice inside my head in print. I don't even want to be a good comic I just want to go on stage and make fun of the audience. No written jokes, just find the guy in the audience with the visor and go to town. "Hey visor guy, nice flip flops. Is that you're frat brother or you're date?" then later when I'm getting my ass kicked we can share a chuckle. Because seriously gay guys are buff. And let's be honest I don't work out.
I tried sexting with my wife. I heard an 18 year old talking about, while I eaves dropped, so I thought this is what the cool kids are doing. So I tried it, forgetting we had blocked her phone from receiving texts. So really it was no different than being home. You get what I'm driving at here? I don't understand the stereotype of black people and watermelons. Never in my life have I seen a black person eat a watermelon. A cantaloupe, celery, an apple, the first born boy from a voodoo offering. But never a watermelon.
I think we should spay and neuter the homeless. I've seen five stray animals in my lifetime, and never once have they bothered me. But the homeless are everywhere, and they breed. I saw a homeless family. A dad a mom and a baby. And felt bad so I was going to give them money, but then I thought no. They're just going to spend it on formula, or a teething ring. Homeless babies need to be weened from they're addictions too. Do you ever wake up & check your email. Then read Facebook responses out of context and out of order. It's jarring, especially with some of the friends I have. Like shit, how much Wild Turkey did I drink last night. None of this makes sense. Whose afraid of fire? Why would that be brought up? Baboons? We can't start a Baboon Cage Fighting League. (Trust me I've looked into it.) all of the sudden at eight am while the coffee percolates I have to become a detective and figure out what the fuck I have told people. Honestly I need a breathalyzer on my laptop. Because I will do a drive by comment at two in the morning and wake up to a bunch of angry people. I'm sorry your husband is in the army and I said I was against the troops. I meant all of them. Al Quieda too, not just the American's. I could go on, and later I will.

The death of the American Dream

I think the American Dream had It's last heartbeat sometime in the mid 70's. No one was able to notice because of all the turmoil after the assassinations of JFK, RFK, and Dr. King. Followed by Nixon and the terrorist acts in the following decade. I have travelled from city to city now for six years. Each city has that same washed out faded appearance on the face of every local. Sure at night if there is some fancy shindig to go to is occurring smiles are painted on the women. The men have drank a few pints of whiskey or some watered down beer product to prepare themselves for the facade of happiness. This has nothing to do with Bin Laden, or that dim witted weasel W. either. I can tell that America has been sucked dry of meaning long before that. But by what? And why? Is there any hope for the next few generations to right this ship? Not in my lifetime. There are no leaders, no men of honor, and for that matter no damsels in distress with any honor worth defending. We are doomed, but how did it come to this? Did we ever really have any great promise as a country. Or was it just an experiment that went on too long? Awful thoughts to have while riding at 80mph in a 14' box truck in the middle of the desert.

I hope a good war breaks out between England and another country. One that's bad enough that all the aging queens that they have Knighted get called into duty. "I thought it was just a title." "Nope, here's your armor and a horse. Get to fighting." Just picture it, Mick Jagger, Elton John, Patrick Stewart, Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellan. All off to fight in the honor of the Queen, or King. It's morbid I know, but really it would be awesome. "It's like Macbeth, get out there."

Autistic Sunchild explains life in the midst of Scientific Studies

After sitting in meetings on Autism Research for three years in a row, I have come to the conclusion that we are the flawed ones. They've evolved, left behind our weaker minds. Just like people with ADD or ADHD. They've learned how to filter away all the BS. The doctors and scientists all approach them like they would an alien. Unaware that maybe, just maybe they are the lesser being in the room. In the meantime the subjects are increasingly frustrated by the idiots that have subjugated them to testing, because the scientists can't communicate with them.I can't wait for the moment when an autistic child turns into a burst of light in front of a scientists eyes. And for a brief moment that child will birth all of the information that makes up the universe into the scientists brain. Then because the scientist can't grasp the simplicity of creation, he or she will melt like when the Ark was opened in the first Indiana Jones movie. This will happen one day, and only the people in the room that wont be effected are those with ADD/ADHD. Because they already know, and have moved on to other topics.

That should have said Joe.

How does have a girlfriend? Who is from what I can tell adorable. I am worries about the outcome.

I think the author of If You Give a Pig a Pancake, also wrote If You Give a Guy a Blowjob. I think it's an underground book though.

When the world is falling to shit it is not good to be out of your anti-anxiety drugs.

On needing a hobby

I think what it comes down to is I need a hobby. How do people find shit that interests them? Even in school when you take that test to find out what you're supposed to be good at, my results were inconclusive. I hear other people talk about the things they do or are into and it just sounds exhausting. "I ride my bike 15 miles every morning before work." What? First of all I'm not getting on a bike again for the rest of my life. Certainly not to do 15 miles before work. "I can play like twenty instruments, but I bartend." OK screw you, really. If I could play the spoons I would have at least five albums out already. The only time I'd be in a bar is when I was performing. "I'm into video games." So am I, that's not a hobby. That's away to kill time in between getting yelled at by your wife/girlfriend or keeping your child from exploding something. Which I admit is fun the first four times, but you can't encourage that behavior. Or else as an adult you have to go to the principal. And that's no fun. Because I wouldn't be able to stop laughing, Ava wouldn't either. We'd both get in school suspension. What I'm trying to say is Motivated people annoy me.

I even envy alcoholics, at least they have plan for the day. I couldn't put forth that much effort into getting drunk all day though. Geez. I get up in the morning and I have to ask Ava what we should do because I have no clue. Are we playing Barbies or slaying dragons. I'm good either way, just let me know so I can get the pop tarts started. Oh, we're just going to sit here and stare at the wall. OK, you know this is how I got through high school right?

A man ran 99 miles home after a marathon. How do you even get into that? "Hey bob, I think I'm going to start running." If Bob was a good friend he'd say something like "What are you retarded like Forest Gump, or something?" "No, no I was just at the Footlocker to get some new sneakers, and the 15 year old kid there convinced me to buy these Nike's. He said you could run a marathon in them and not feel it, they are that comfortable." So I thought, that's it! That is what has been missing in my life. Running for no apparent reason. So I'm joining the Boston Marathon tomorrow. Will you pick me up afterwards." And since clearly Bob isn't a good friend he didn't pick him up, and the guy had to run home. Because you can't keep a wallet in those running shorts. You know how in the VH1 Behind the music, or in interviews with stars like John Lennon; they always say if it wasn't for Rock n Roll I don't know where I would have ended up. Well this is where they would have ended up, bitching on Facebook about being bored to virtual friends. Meanwhile 1/6 of the world is starving. Lybia is in shambles, Japan is gone. So I'm pissed because I may not be able to get the iPhone 5 til September! Which is BS, because then I have to start saving up for Christmas presents for people who don't even get my jokes but still laugh because they are only two. Hey dad did you fall down the stairs again? Yes honey. Was it because of your socks or the booze. No, don't worry baby I'm fine go ahead and continue watching your iPod. I slipped because of the socks, it's not proper Scotch hour til five. We still have an hour of sober daddy.

In regards to blowjobs

Why do most girls stop at the tip? There's still at least two more inches there.

On reading an article on breastfeeding while using the bathroom.

I was ah, using the toilet one day. It was after my wife had given birth, but there were still pieces of literature from when she was pregnant in the bathroom. I guess it took longer for her then, I don't remember. But there was a Parenting or Parents magazine in there, so thinking I should read up a bit, I started reading. I came to an article on breastfeeding, and Ava was no longer at that stage, but it made me sad. Not because she was getting bigger, but I realized that that was going to be the last time I got to see some girl on girl action in my own house.

Old joke from single days

It's not that I have commitment issues. I don't. I just can't jerk off to the same video more than once. And really that's on a slow day a 15 minute relationship.

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The post from Facebook that forced my mom to ban me to a blog.

I hate that just because I comment or hit like on somebodies post, Facebook has to inform me about every other loser on Facebook that had to post as well. Can't I just be content in my isolated comment. Oh, I know it's a social network.Really, is it? I haven't seen 125 of my 159 friends in at least 15 years. Some of them I don't even remember actually knowing. By the way I didn't really do the math there it's probably more like 145. But back to my point, can't I just make a hit and run snarky remark? Do I have to read about everyone else that actually gives a hoot about the contents of the post? No because then you're just a cowardly troll. No, it's because I have at least 18 hours a day to make comebacks at you that have no real bearing on either of our existences. Well it's an important matter to me. I strongly believe in somebodies right to do whatever it is that people give a shit about. Well that's great. I believe strongly in making fun of other peoples beliefs. I think that's largely what our racists founding fathers had in mind when they formed this elite based society.And I'm sorry, I just looked. I have 160 friends. I know for a fact I have never met at least one. But she's a friend of a friend who takes off her clothes to music. Don't judge her, she has Tourettes.

 This was the joke I posted that my mom said she like, which I also wrote. A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks him what he wants to drink. Right before the duck can answer the cook cuts off his head. The bartender says I guess we know what tonight's special is.

There are few things in the world better than a fine scotch. But Ava is one of them.

Rural East Coast

While driving through old towns on the east coast, I like to imagine all of the dead soldiers that fought in the American Revolution, and the Civil War. It helps pass the time quicker.

This is a blog

I am writing this here because my mom does not think I'm funny. That's encouragement for you. :)