If I were a stand up comic.

I'm quitting my job and doing stand up. Not really. My wife says we have to have an income. And NOBODY LAUGHS AT MY JOKES! NOBODY! IT'S CALLED SARCASM! I'm not topical, I'm not observational, I just make fun of stuff, hatefully. She tells me she's the funny one in the family. Is anyone even out there? Shit, it's like listening to the voice inside my head in print. I don't even want to be a good comic I just want to go on stage and make fun of the audience. No written jokes, just find the guy in the audience with the visor and go to town. "Hey visor guy, nice flip flops. Is that you're frat brother or you're date?" then later when I'm getting my ass kicked we can share a chuckle. Because seriously gay guys are buff. And let's be honest I don't work out.
I tried sexting with my wife. I heard an 18 year old talking about, while I eaves dropped, so I thought this is what the cool kids are doing. So I tried it, forgetting we had blocked her phone from receiving texts. So really it was no different than being home. You get what I'm driving at here? I don't understand the stereotype of black people and watermelons. Never in my life have I seen a black person eat a watermelon. A cantaloupe, celery, an apple, the first born boy from a voodoo offering. But never a watermelon.
I think we should spay and neuter the homeless. I've seen five stray animals in my lifetime, and never once have they bothered me. But the homeless are everywhere, and they breed. I saw a homeless family. A dad a mom and a baby. And felt bad so I was going to give them money, but then I thought no. They're just going to spend it on formula, or a teething ring. Homeless babies need to be weened from they're addictions too. Do you ever wake up & check your email. Then read Facebook responses out of context and out of order. It's jarring, especially with some of the friends I have. Like shit, how much Wild Turkey did I drink last night. None of this makes sense. Whose afraid of fire? Why would that be brought up? Baboons? We can't start a Baboon Cage Fighting League. (Trust me I've looked into it.) all of the sudden at eight am while the coffee percolates I have to become a detective and figure out what the fuck I have told people. Honestly I need a breathalyzer on my laptop. Because I will do a drive by comment at two in the morning and wake up to a bunch of angry people. I'm sorry your husband is in the army and I said I was against the troops. I meant all of them. Al Quieda too, not just the American's. I could go on, and later I will.